The fattening fallacies of follicles

Forty-four more hairs were reported lost down the sink hole of a plump Scotsman this morning, sources say. This is devastating news to people clinging desperately to what is left of their youth, and particularly those who have spent decades doing everything possible to prevent any resemblance to Phil Collins. The unidentified fat guy, who even attempted to replant his fallen hairs whilst in the shower, allegedly hates male pattern baldness, loathes combovers of any kind, and detests toupees, hence his unresolved issues about Elton John. Fatty, as his friends call him, is in hiding from the press and hangs out with the ghost of Greta Garbo talking in mangled Swedish. He is currently seeking alternate options to stop the spread of ugliness across the rest of his corpulent corpse, but recently gained 10 more pounds thanks to a steady diet of roast chicken crisps, Mars bars and ice cream floats. Concerned neighbours have put St. Paul's on stand-by. More news at 11.