What Is And What Shall Never Be

There's a thing called Love in this world, but you must have courage to see it. I never had it before, but now I do. I'm not greedy. I'll count to ten and then give up. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

Dylanesque

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.
I'd go hungry, I'd go blind for you
I'd go crawling down the aisle for you
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.
The storms are raging on a rolling sea
Down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothing like me yet...

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to..."

Wise men have said that death is the opening of a door into the place where there is no more forgetting, so that waiting for me are all my past actions, and all things that I have known in this life, clearer and more intense in their existence than they were on earth. Then your image will be there, clothed in your amazing beauty, and my unbearable need of you will be there too. That is so terrible that I don't think it's true. The only memory I want to meet again is that once I held you in my arms for a few seconds, and that you kissed me - you! - that for one moment you did not laugh at me for being little more than a boy, as you always do.

-extracted from Cullum, by E. Arnot Robertson.

"Breathes but one mortal on the teeming globe..."

"The point is: your dream guy doesn't exist. And even if he does, you'll never see his face."

-from the film Formula 17, starring Tony Yang and Duncan Lai.

SPARKLE AND SHINE

Heaven and Earth coming down
We watched them fall
Ashes rain down from the sky
No one talks
We’ll be all right, time's on our side
Angels are gathering round tonight
I will sparkle & shine

Bury me deep in the ground
Cover my eyes
Dreamt we were killed from the fall
Funny, we never died
Don't be afraid, I'm by your side,
Angels are gathering round tonight
I will sparkle and shine
And the best is yet to come...

-David Usher

Love Poem

What follows was recited by me at my brother's wedding, July 7:

Yours is the face that the earth turns to me,
Continuous beyond its human features lie
The mountain forms that rest against the sky.
With your eyes, the reflecting rainbow, the sun's light
Sees me; forest and flower, bird and beast
Know and hold me forever in the world's thought,
Creation's deep untroubled retrospect.

When your hand touches mine it is the earth
That takes me--the green grass,
And rocks and rivers; the green graves,
And children still unborn, and ancestors,
In love passed down from hand to hand from God.
Your love comes from the creation of the world,
From those paternal fingers, streaming through the clouds
That break with light the surface of the sea.

Here, where I trace your body with my hand,
Love's presence has no end;
For these, your arms that hold me, are the world's.
In us, the continents, clouds and oceans meet
Our arbitrary selves, extensive with the night,
Lost, in the heart's worship, and the body's sleep.

-Kathleen Raine

"BEAMS ARE GONNA BLIND ME..."

In a brand new weekly series, I will be describing some of the best ROCK CONCERTS I have attended over the years. Stay tuned for hilarious reports from the Simple Minds concert at Glasgow's Barrowlands, the Ultravox gig at UBC's War Memorial Gym, and the Rod Stewart Coliseum experience from the late '80s. But, ever the predictable one, I begin with something much fresher in my mind. So, for those who missed it first time around, here's the condensed version of the news bulletin originally posted April 16th, 2007:

Some of you have asked for a review of the David Usher concerts this past weekend. Up until now, the words just wouldn't come. To say that this was the second most thrilling experience of my life is a very bold statement I know, and yet I still feel this way. I suppose it's subjective, but I can't take my eyes off him when he's on stage. He's exquisite in so many ways: his poetic vision radiates, his intensity pulls an audience under his spell, and his vocals are dynamite. To say nothing of his "feline grace" which drives the majority of the crowd into paroxysms of pleasure. The dazzling strobe-light dance alone is simply beyond description.

I was front and centre for the first night. Every single person in that club wanted a piece of him, wanted to drown in his beauty. I've never witnessed anything like it, and I've seen a hell of a lot of concerts. The girl next to me got to dance with him, and I was jealous as all hell. And when he waded into the crowd to sing with us, it was like the second coming, his glistening face shining before us. He clutched hands everywhere, we screamed with girlish delirium, and the sheer joy on his face when the devoted throng sang along gleefully to "Alone in the Universe" is something I cannot replicate in words. It was one of the most transcendent moments of my life.

He knows how to work an audience, certainly, but there is nothing contrived about his performance. He moves like a panther, his slim, ageless body pulsating to the grunge beat of old Moist songs, his long, dark hair falling enticingly about his face. When he sat down to sing at the front of the mini-stage, he was literally 2 inches from me, his dark chocolate eyes penetrating us all, his smile lighting up our hearts, making every single person in that club feel as if they were the only ones alone in the Universe with him. He held onto my hand briefly during that song (okay, I clung to his), and when he looked at me and sang "wake up I can almost see the light," I thought I would just melt into nothingness. It was an exhilarating and sensual experience to see him live, but I was literally out-of-body the entire time. That has never happened at a concert before. I guess what I finally got to experience was the "David love" I've heard so much about from other fans. The crucial thing about his concerts is this: the spotlight may be on David, but he brings everybody into that spotlight, and makes you feel as beautiful and exceptional as he himself is.

I'm not ashamed to admit I had tears in my eyes during Saturday night's rendition of the achingly gorgeous "St. Lawrence River," but it was elation, not sadness. I was transported to another place, unaware of my surroundings, only knowing that this beautiful creature was singing so passionately right in front of me, singing lyrics which have touched me deeply, and that people around me really understood what I had felt for years. Why could he not just keep singing all night long? Why did it have to end? I was utterly enraptured, and literally "slipping through the endless stream of time." For an hour and a half on two consecutive nights in Vancouver, he made some of our dreams come true. David, we love you man. Come back soon.

Back in the saddle again

I wish...

THESE ARE THE SONGS OF MY LIFE!

No. 1 - THE SUN WILL SHINE AGAIN

by FRIDA

Quite how an English pony-tailed, seemingly heavy-metal-loving git came to compose the song I love most in the world is something that obviously needs explanation. I am immeasurably grateful to former Deep Purple member, the musically-gifted Jon Lord for writing this song especially for FRIDA. I have listened to it approximately 4,786,932 times since it was released to the public in September 2004. It is one of several compositions on Jon Lord's Beyond The Notes album. The song's history finds its roots in survival. As Jon tells it, he and FRIDA met some years ago; both of them live in Switzerland. She had only recently endured the loss of her daughter, and then later the death of her beloved husband in October '99. FRIDA felt, understandably, that she could no longer sing, and therefore scrapped plans for an English-language album. After a couple of years, she asked Jon if he would write a song for her, as they had become close friends. It took him three years to come up with something suitable for that "most glorious voice," as he calls it. Sam Brown wrote the lyrics, and when FRIDA heard it, she said it was "one of the most beautiful pieces" she had ever heard. Her fans concur. We were speechless when we discovered she would sing for us one more time. Many of us now feel it is the most magnificent thing she's ever recorded, and if it is indeed her farewell to the limelight, she has left us with something even more graceful than anything she sung with ABBA, if such a thing is possible. In fact, you could say I waited all of my life to hear my beloved FRIDA sing this song. To me, it's an aria, a song above all other songs, above all ABBA songs even. The classical arrangement, the delicate keyboard flourishes, the grandeur of the sweeping intro where grand piano and strings meet in total synergy, the resonant vocals by a woman who has come to exemplify courage, and the message behind the song all conspire to fill me with awe, and a serenity previously undiscovered. In our darkest hours, we never imagine that the sun will shine again...but it does. We are all living proof of that, whatever night demons we've railed against to get where we are now.

May you all feel some of the strength I feel when you hear this song.

Inside my mind, the world is watching over
My every move, still I am here alone

Uncried tears, they will only fuel my fears

Now it seems they're falling

And I feel release, an inner peace

And realise

The sun will shine again

Though this time may feel it's never ending

Time will help and heal

These moments will pass

So raise your head, and take up your heart

Hold it closely to you

And the tears and pain will fall away

Like blossom snow, you will know

That you can be your own best friend

The sun will shine again

Only you can know how unravelled you'd become

Hold on tight, and let it go

The sun will shine again.

THESE ARE (NEARLY) THE SONGS OF MY LIFE!

In anticipation of the big reveal which happens any time now (the winner should come as no surprise; I've certainly mentioned it enough times), here is a list of the ALMOST TOP 10: the songs that didn't make the cut, but which are also close to my heart. All of them deserve honourable mention, not least because many of them paint portraits of past relationships. Thankfully, I won't be able to hear the guffaws/tittering as my readers view the list and question either my sanity or my sentimentality...

My Sweet Lord - George Harrison
You Make Lovin' Fun - Fleetwood Mac
Candle In The Wind - Elton John
If I Could Just Be With You Now - Bobby Joyner/Dean Nolen (from Latter Days)
Something About The Way You Look Tonight - Elton John
If You Leave Me Now - Chicago
Let it Be - The Beatles
Alska Mig Alltid (Love Me Always) - FRIDA
Sovrum (Bedroom) - FRIDA
I'm Coming Down - David Usher
Sunday Comes - Moist
She - Elvis Costello
Radio Gaga - QUEEN
I Know Him So Well - Elaine Paige/Barbara Dickson (from Chess)
Sista Valsen Med Dig (The Last Waltz With You) - FRIDA
Sometimes When I'm Dreaming - Agnetha Faltskog
It's A Heartache - Bonnie Tyler
Bird of Paradise - Snowy White
Every Beat of My Heart - Rod Stewart
Livin' Thing - ELO
Songbird - Fleetwood Mac
Watching The Wheels - John Lennon
Will He Ever Go Away - Reba McEntire
No More The Fool - Elkie Brooks
Caravan Song - Barbara Dickson (from Caravans)

MOIST EXCELLENT, DUDE

"Even as the lightning fades, I guess we've got to live
I'm never going back there again, it's too hard to pretend
I can't leave just how it is
And so Sunday comes, not much better than it was...
Cause I don't even mind, I guess I knew you better than you
Thought you knew yourself, wave goodbye, I don't mind
You know I'm on your side, was there any doubt?..."

THESE ARE THE SONGS OF MY LIFE!

No. 2 - SAILING by Rod Stewart

Unless you have lived in the UK for long periods of time, you will never fully understand how much this song means to so many people. What began life as a gentle UK Number One in 1975, has in recent years morphed into a classic football-stadium-filling anthem of patriotism and separation from the homeland. "Sailing" is now a rock classic, and part of the fabric of British lives, and this is no exaggeration. Anyone who saw the recent Concert for Diana at Wembley would have witnessed the hold this song has over most Brits. Billy Connolly once remarked that the Scots are "the only race of people who sing about being far away from home...when they're still there." This song delineates that statement definitively. "Sailing" is Rod's closing number at every British concert; it's so embedded in the culture that he simply has to sing it. Whether it be Glasgow, Liverpool or Torquay, it's his signature piece, the biggest song of his career, at least where British audiences are concerned. I guess he figures that North American audiences won't sing along like "fitba' hooligans" the way the punters enthusiastically do back home. As for me, I only got to see him sing it live once, miraculously, in Vancouver in 1994. I couldn't believe it. The song that had single-handedly kept me alive during all the angst of being far away from Glasgow, and the family and friends I ached for, was being played live right in front of me. I was a mess emotionally, but simultaneously rapturous; to see the enormous St. Andrews flag waving majestically in the upper echelons of BC Place Stadium where other exiled Scots had come to see Rod sing his heart out only amplified the feeling, lifting this boy's heart and carrying him back to where he truly wanted to be. It was an electric experience, I don't mind telling you. "Sailing," particularly the 1982 live version from the Absolutely Live album, has gotten me through every kind of hell imaginable. The world keeps turning, I get older, I live here now, but as long as I hear this song, Glasgow will always be in my heart.

I am sailing, I am sailing,
Home again across the sea
I am sailing stormy waters
To be near you, to be free.
I am flying, I am flying,
Like a bird across the sky
I am flying, passing high clouds,
To be with you, to be free
Can you hear me, can you hear me
Through the dark night far away,
I am dying, forever crying,
To be with you, who can say...

I dedicate "Sailing" to my mum and dad, who had the courage to bring us all to the new land in the first place. It took me a long long time to realise they'd done the right thing and I'm grateful for all that they went through to make our lives better. Here is an atmospheric live version of Rod's anthem as performed at Glastonbury in 2002. Note the Scottish and English flags (to say nothing of the resplendent Glasgow Celtic and Swedish flags) all waving in harmony for once:

And finally, the glorious moment from the Diana concert, July 1, 2007:

AND ON THE 5TH DAY, GOD GAVE US LIGHT!

DAVID USHER

COMMODORE BALLROOM
VANCOUVER, BC
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2007
07:00 PM

Like An Angel Passing Through My Room...

“CURSE thee, Life, I will live with thee no more!
Thou hast mocked me, starved me, beat my body sore!
And all for a pledge that was not pledged by me,
I have kissed thy crust and eaten sparingly
That I might eat again, and met thy sneers
With deprecations, and thy blows with tears,—
Aye, from thy glutted lash, glad, crawled away,
As if spent passion were a holiday!
And now I go. Nor threat, nor easy vow
Of tardy kindness can avail thee now
With me, whence fear and faith alike are flown;
Lonely I came, and I depart alone,
And know not where nor unto whom I go;
But that thou canst not follow me I know...”

-from "The Suicide," by Edna St. Vincent Millay

THESE ARE THE SONGS OF MY LIFE!

No. 3 - CHAIN REACTION by Diana Ross

Funny story: I was nearly EVICTED from the Coliseum during a performance of this song in '89. Don't laugh, it's true. But wait: let's examine the facts first. And let me just say that I am not a Diana Ross fan, not by any stretch of the imagination, but she does have the unbelievable honour of being the ONLY artist to appear twice in my Top Ten. Not even the ABBA women individually can claim this honour. So what's the fixation on this song then, I hear you ask?

Let's jump in the TARDIS and transport ourselves back to '86. There I am, with my Flock of Seagulls hair, 28-inch waist and impossibly tight British designer drainpipe jeans which could only be worn for short periods at a time, standing on the edge of a smoky dance floor feeling no urge to move, having spent myself entirely during the Bananarama songfest. All of a sudden, this SOUND hits me, this incredible beat that miraculously forces me to do one thing only: DANCE. This was my first encounter with "Chain Reaction," the most explosive dance song I'd ever heard. By the end of it, I was a different person. This was more than a song; it was a transfiguring event. (Sadly, I'm not kidding.) Anyway, it occurred to me some time after this '80s moment of extensive hip gyration, that this was every bit as exhilarating as an ABBA song. And one day it struck me why I loved it so much: it was my fantasy set to song lyrics. "Chain Reaction," composed by the Brothers Gibb, is one of the most perfect pop songs ever crafted.

The song hit the top of the UK charts, and became her BIGGEST SINGLE EVER in Britain. Naturally, it did nothing in North America, but by that time I was getting used to songs I adored being ignored over here, while watching them become mega hits in Europe. The song was the first single from the Eaten Alive album. The extended version of "Chain" used to send me into paroxyms of squealing delight. I knew then that I was a teenage girl in New Romantic drag.

Now, jump forward three years: the supreme being that is Diana begins to sing "Chain" during her performance in Vancouver. I leap to my feet, forgetting that my shocked parents are sitting near me, forgetting that a dear friend is next to me and may be embarrassed by my frantic cavorting. I feel the rhythm, I come alive and dance with unleashed abandon in the aisles, wondering why I'm the only one affected in such a way. An enormous bouncer, unmoved by the song's power and smelling of Drano for some reason, appears from nowhere and suspects I'm going to incite a riot of deliriously happy people wanting to shake their bodies. (That is, after all, what Diana has been encouraging the sedate Vancouver audience to do all night.) I was instructed to return to my seat, dejected but unable to stop moving. Ten minutes later, Ms. Ross accomplishes the impossible with the conservative crowd: during her Supremes megamix they rise to lose their inhibitions. I glare at the security man.

"Chain Reaction" only became more of a personal crusade for me over the years: I was motivated by its every nuance, and the overtly suggestive words kept me believing in real love. It had to happen some day, I thought. Surely to God I would not be left to wander the planet alone forever, missing that opportunity to find "the one." Surely the fantasy would come true, if only I believed enough...

You took a mystery and made me want it
You got a pedestal and put me on it
You made me love you out of feeling nothing
Something that you do
And I was there not dancing with anyone
You took a little, then you took me over
You set your mark on stealing my heart away
Crying, trying, anything for you

I'm in the middle of a chain reaction
You give me all the after midnight action
I wanna get you where I can let you make all that love to me...

THE DAY BEFORE YOU CAME

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don't even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of
the next moment. All the immense
images in me -- the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,
cities, towers, and bridges, and un-
suspected turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods--
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at,
longing. An open window
in a country house-- , and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me. Streets that I chanced
upon,--
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and, startled, gave back
my too-sudden image. Who knows? Perhaps the same
bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, separate, in the evening...

-Rainer Maria Rilke

THESE ARE THE SONGS OF MY LIFE!

In anticipation of the Top 3, one of my regular readers (no surprise it would be a friend in the UK) has already e-mailed me to guess what one of the three songs is. And she was correct! I wonder if anyone else will guess (or care) what the Big 3 are? There's enough clues if you're a long-time reader (and if you are I'm terribly grateful). Stay tuned...

SEPTEMBER 11, 2007

RULE BRITANNIA!

I was never more proud to be British than I was on Sunday. What an atmosphere. The Concert for Diana at Wembley was superb, apart from the talentless slappers who appear to have been American Idol rejects. Highlights included the ageless Rod Stewart kicking footballs into the crowd, the Royal Ballet performing Swan Lake, Bryan Ferry, Elton John and Status Quo. But against all odds, far and away the best moment for me was...wait for it...you won't believe it...I certainly don't...P DIDDY! Yes, he was sensational, and brought the house down with his emotionally-charged anthem for Diana. I was surprised by the tears rolling down my face during his performance - how on Earth could I have been moved by rap music? It was beautiful. There was a lot of love for her in the stadium(which was nice to see after all the negative stuff her detractors love to rant about), and it was wonderful to see so many united in remembering her. It was even more emotional than the Freddie tribute concert, and therefore it was fitting to have Queen's "These Are The Days of Our Lives" close the show, accompanied by videos of the princess as a child. And a small confession: Becks was sincere and graceful in his homage to Diana. It was touching. So I don't hate him anymore. (By the way, one of my Top 3 songs was performed on Sunday, as I knew it would be, but you'll have to stay tuned to find out which one....)

Solo Otra Vez

From the film Formula 17:

"But later, Bai changed. His heart died. He stopped believing in love. Nobody can ever make him love again."